Living To Please Others

Identity Through Early Years Approval Experience

A learned belief: “I am safe when I perform.”

Some people learn very early that approval keeps them safe.

Not through cruelty.
Not always through absence.

Often through praise.

Being noticed when they did well.
Being affirmed when they helped.
Being valued when they were useful.

Nothing was said directly.

But something was learned.

Love began to feel conditional.

Not withdrawn -
just activated.

When you performed.
When you achieved.
When you stayed impressive, capable, dependable.

So you learned to stay switched on.

This identity feels safe because it works.

It creates belonging.
It earns affirmation.
It secures place.

You become reliable.
Productive.
Easy to approve of.

And the world responds well to this version of you.

What it costs is quiet.

Rest starts to feel risky.
Stillness feels exposed.
Being unproductive feels unsafe.

You may not know how to receive love
without offering something in return.

Being loved without effort
may feel unfamiliar - or even undeserved.

The exposure usually comes softly.

Not when things go wrong -
but when they go quiet.

A moment when nothing is required,
yet tension remains.

When being still feels uncomfortable.
When doing nothing feels like disappearing.

When you realise how much of your safety
has been built on usefulness.

There is an invitation here.

Not to stop contributing.
Not to reject excellence.
Not to become passive.

But to discover that love does not withdraw when you rest.
That safety does not disappear when you stop producing.
That belonging is not earned through performance.

You were never meant to be safe because of what you do.
You are safe because of who you are.

And you are allowed to stop proving it.